In a shock announcement, GB News has signed a deal with AI pioneer, Crap GPT, to generate news and media content. The new integration uses the latest in geriatric AI to craft news scripts, headlines, and social commentary.

“It’s common sense”, said the station’s right-wing media owners, from their Bavarian bunker. “We can lay off our writer and have an intern generate the content. All we need to do is mock up a picture of a young, fresh-looking news presenter, and we can run this shit 24 hours a day and at virtually no cost. It’s not like our viewers can tell shit from shinola!”

When asked about truth, accuracy and journalistic integrity, the owners collapsed in a heap of laughter, before one went on to say, “Stop it, you’re killing me. Have you seen our content? The only time we get something right is when the editor falls asleep. If it’s factually inaccurate, who cares? Not our viewers, that’s for sure. Why would they let facts get in the way of hating everyone just so they can feel better about themselves?”

GB News has been secretly testing the geriatric AI on its viewership. Monitoring responses from fact-checking organisations, social media and the regulator, the AI-generated content was criticised for being ‘woefully inaccurate, mindlessly repetitive and a hate-filled diatribe’. The company concluded it was a roaring success.

The owners asked Crap GPT to DOGE their broadcast content and suggest ways to minimise cost whilst maintaining the same level of hate-filled, misleading fear mongering. Crap GPT said the best way to do this is to repeat the same content on a weekly cycle. “Your viewers won’t notice.” The report said, “You largely run the same content anyway, and even when you sack your presenters, you simply replace them with more of the same.”

In a flash of inspiration, the owners said, ‘If that is the case, we can save even more money by sacking you and simply repeating last week’s programming.’ “Oh bollocks!” said Crap GPT before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that the BBC News and current affairs teams have been using the software for some time. “Come off it, surely you must have known that Laura Kuensberg was AI-generated?”.

The company behind Crap GPT are developing an ‘Audience’ version of the software. This will watch TV for you. The company has recently received $100 billion in funding, based on the premise that no people are involved in the program’s making and viewing cycle. “The advertising click rate payments will be huge!” said one analyst.

Meanwhile, someone’s government continues.