Archaeologists have uncovered what they believe to be Christ’s holiest and most venerated sermon, The Christmas Market.  

The ancient scroll was discovered by the renowned artefact hunter, Dr Tenby Jones, who reasoned that if Christmas was a Christian festival, then Christ must have something to do with it. By re-examining ancient and hidden manuscripts, Tenby was able to track down the scroll to a small village just outside Pontypridd.

“The presence of the trace elements, Nutella and Dutch pancake batter, led us to believe a young scribe imbibed too much Glühwein and forgot where he put it. As for how it came to be in Wales, well, let’s just say, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’”

The scroll records how Jesus spoke of magic brews, including mulled wine, cider, mead, and hot chocolate with the Holy Irish cream. These drinks allow the drinker to become so inebriated that they will buy almost anything “because it’s Xmas”. What makes this miraculous is that these drinks contain next to no alcohol.

Jesus explains that you shall know the true miracle of Xmas because, “Three weeks before my birthday, I shall cause hundreds of wooden sheds to magically appear in towns and cities across the land. These sacred buildings will be staffed by an army of devoted non-tax-paying followers. Furthermore, fat middle-aged men with red faces and red suits will call out ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ as a warning to children everywhere. Anyone not pretending to enjoy the spirit (sic) of Xmas will be consigned to the deepest pits of hell. In this do we honour our father.”

We asked the Pope for his view on the recent discovery.

“Look, as long as the markets kick a percentage of the profit upstairs, I am all in favour of endorsing this annual tat fest. Do you have any idea how much we will earn from this? Think of what it will do for the brand, “mass market masses for the masses”. Hey, Giuseppe, how much is a wooden shed?”

Today’s Archbishop of Canterbury said, “For sure, this sermon would have been in the bible if the young fellow hadn’t been such a klutz. It’s up there with the Sermon on the Mount. As for the church, we are in a great place to capitalise on this. How about £10 per Xmas Blessing?”

Meanwhile, noted Christians, Theologians and Atheists began a furious debate on the authenticity of Tenby Jones’s find. Many cast doubts, citing Tenby’s discredited discovery of Noah’s Ark in Bridgend as proof that he is a charlatan.

Satan had the last word, “Look, it’s nothing to do with me, but I do think hell can use that Last Christmas as an eternal backing track.”

Meanwhile, desperately in search of a meaning to life, people keep buying any old shit. Well, that’s Christianity for you.