Special Branch have been called in, following an orchestrated attempt to endanger the lives of leading political figures and Nigel Farrage. The prominent politicians received, by post, ‘All you can eat’ gift vouchers for an Italian Restaurant Chain in Salisbury.

Reminiscent of the Night of the Long Knives the attack has been described as, “An unacceptable threat to our democracy” by Tory Brexiteers, and a “Bloody good start” by the rest of the country.

The inclusion of Nigel Farrage in the list, initially, caused some confusion. However, police have concluded the assassins were “Simply doing everyone in the country a favour.” They still believe the attempt was aimed at proper political figures.

The plot was thwarted when an eagle eyed employee, at the Italian Restaurant Chain, spotted the names and addresses the gift vouchers were posted to, and notified the authorities. Meanwhile, in unconnected news the Italian Restaurant Chain have an unexpected vacancy in their marketing department.

It is the subtlety of the attack that most impressed Special Branch Officers, Inspector Jackson said, “It’s highly likely the attack would have succeeded, I’ve never met a politician yet who could turn down a free lunch.”

Asked if they had any leads, Inspector Jackson said, “Look, we know Putin did it but we are never going to be able to arrest him, so we’ve got a cushy month pissing about the Wiltshire countryside, eating Pizza and Gelato, until everyone forgets about the whole affair.”