The Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has today resigned his post. This follows weeks of speculation and a damaging sequence of results, including a home defeat in the Vietnamese Energy Drink Shield to English Rose, Sir Frank of Lampard.

Though it was at first thought that Jose, one-time conqueror of Pep ‘my sh*t stinks of lavender’ Guardiola, Marco ‘turns out I’m not as bad as you all thought’ Arnautovic and, of course, Arsene ‘specialist in failure’ Wenger, would seek another job in soccerball, the sport in which he has made a name for himself, it’s instead thought he will pursue other interests. These have turned out to include; talking about himself, blaming Luke Shaw for everything and farming.

Reporters caught up with Jose at his new plot of land at ‘somewhere in the heart of England reeking of cow sh*t’ to find out more. “I realised that what I was looking for was the unwavering loyalty and support of my charges, I realised too that this was not to be found among the unruly world of men. After casting my eye around, I realised that agricultural machinery would never turn on me by making sly digs in press conferences, getting stupid haircuts, or having the temerity to have babies or get injured. For these reasons, I have embarked upon a new career…”

Though Jose’s career began relatively successfully, a recent slump has seen major changes at ‘somewhere in the heart of England reeking of cow sh*t’. Jose’s first harvest resulted in a relatively low yield. While some farmers may have put this down to adverse weather or soil conditions, Jose has sought to resolve these issues in his own style, notably by banishing one tractor (a John Deere) to the lower field, blaming its wheels for being too big, claiming Luke Shaw is somehow involved, and bringing in Marouane Fellaini to replace it.

With time running out before the end of the season, we shall have to wait and see whether he is successful.