SPCA calls for an end to the annual torture of defenceless young animals.

Every year the UK revels in the humiliation and torture of 16 young, fresh faced and eager young pups. The Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Arsewipes has said, enough is enough.

Their spokesperson, Matilda Makinson, said, “This is barabric entertainment, now we’re in the 21st Century we should be better than this. It is like bear-baiting for the morally and intellectually impaired.”

The torturer-in-chief is Earl Sweetner, a man noted for the smooth delivery of his joke writer’s put downs. His every comment is designed to undermine, belittle and mock the contestants piss poor efforts to sell any old tat to the British public. Frankly, they could take lessons from the migrants selling sunglasses on Spanish beaches.

Earl Sweetner defended the show, “We take some shiny young people, and parade them about a bit, expose their flaws and naivete, humiliate them on national tv, then boot them out the door. Job done. We get rich and everyone else gets to sit at home and feel morally superior.”

Of particular concern to the SPCA is the distress exhibited by the contestants. Symptoms include inane, mindless babbling; “I’m a thoroughbred, not a frog in a treacle mine” or “I can out decide anyone, my decisions are really the best decisions” and most famously “No Earl, you’re fired.”

Under the intense pressure to do or say something stupid, some contestants forget how to use simple, everyday, objects such as mobile phones. They can be seen waving them around as if presenting a ritual sacrifice to the business gods, whilst shouting about how they’ve been badly let down by everybody else, yet again.

Matilda Makinson again; “This show has had millions of viewers for 14 years and given us the likes of Hatie Hopkins, when is it going to stop? If any of these idiots could have really turned a start up into a million pound businesses, why didn’t they?”