To improve the customer fulfilment experience, Amazon is increasing the frequency of its order updates. Notifications of an order’s status will be sent out every five minutes.

Focus groups believe that customers experience anxiety when dealing with an Amazon order; by not knowing the location of Granny’s £4.99 slippers, every minute of the day.

Our customers invest themselves in whatever rubbish we persuade them to buy. We want them to keep shopping with us and feel this continual avalanche of personalised updates serves to remind them who we are.

Keith Cork, B Ark occupant

New updates will include;

• Thank you for your order.
• Pavel is on a 700 yard round trip to pick up your Granny’s Slippers.
• Pavel has handed the slippers to Jonas, who’s put them in a big box with too much packing.
• Sven has moved the box to the Post-Out area. Your item is currently undamaged.
• The delivery driver, Pieter, is on his way to our customer fulfilment centre.
• Your package has minor cosmetic damage, sorry about that.
• Pieter has carefully loaded your Granny’s Slippers on to his lorry for onward travel to your local delivery centre.
• Your parcel is on its way.
• As you chose Standard Delivery, rather than the much better Amazon Prime, your parcel has been sent for a day at the seaside.
• Pieter’s brother, Pavel, has met Pieter at your local depot. Apparently, Uncle Igor is not well again.
• Your parcel has left the depot.
• Your parcel is on the B4076 heading South. It’s number 45/59 and will be with you at 14:27 exactly.
• You weren’t in, we left you a card.
• Your neighbours weren’t in, we left them cards too.
• We’ve returned your parcel to the local depot.

Actually, we’ve no idea where your parcel is. Please re-order. Thank-you for shopping at Amazon.

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