Fri. Oct 30th, 2020

In order to improve the customer fulfilment experience, Amazon have decided to increase the ordered items email and text updates, to every five minutes.

Focus groups determined customers experienced anxiety, when dealing with an Amazon order, by not knowing the location of Granny’s £4.99 slippers every minute of the day.

Keith Cork, from Amazon, explained, “Our customers are really invested in whatever rubbish we’ve persuaded them to buy. We want them to keep shopping with us and feel this continual avalanche of personalised updates really reminds them who we are.”

New updates are expected to include;

Thank you for your order. Pavel is on a 700 yard round trip to pick up your Granny’s Slippers.

Pavel has handed the slippers to Jonas, who’s put them in a big box with too much packing.

Sven has moved the box to the Post-Out area. Your item is currently undamaged.

The delivery driver, Pieter, is on his way to our customer fulfilment centre.

Pieter has carefully loaded your Granny’s Slippers on to his lorry for onward travel to your local delivery centre. Your parcel is on its way.

As you chose Standard Delivery, rather than the much better Amazon Prime, your parcel has been sent for a day at the seaside.

Pieter’s brother, Pavel, has meet Pieter at your local depot. Apparently Uncle Igor is not well again. Your parcel has left the depot.

 Your parcel is on the B4076 heading South. It’s number 45/59 and will be with you at 14:27 exactly.

You weren’t in, we left you a card.

Your neighbours weren’t in, we left them cards too.

We’ve returned your parcel to the local depot.

Actually, we’ve no idea where your parcel is. Please re-order. Thank-you for shopping at Amazon. Please take this short survey to tell us how we did, so we can better fulfil you.


By Sir Drinkalot

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little monkey. This little monkey was always to be found in the pub, when he should have been writing stories. Brains often had to go looking for Sir Drinkalot but Brains usually ended up stuck in the pub too.

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