A new report today provides conclusive proof that British schools are severely overfunded,  syphoning off crucial funds that could be used for the maintenance of roundabouts, the launching of a new RAF battle-zeppelin and the paying of wankers in green spectacles to come up with snappy slogans.

The report, commissioned jointly by the Department for the Betterification of Peasants and Enterprise Rent-a-Car, inspected almost one school for almost six entire hours before coming to its firm and unyielding conclusions. The report’s author, Austin St John-Michaels IV of Kensington, was on hand to explain the commission’s findings.

“It’s quite simple, we visited one inner-city London School, the Connor McGregor Academy in Hackney, and were frankly appalled by the environment. In one classroom there were up to three separate glue sticks that the children were able to share between them.”

He went on to add, “Almost every student had their own exercise book, some even had lockers. Not only did the school pay the teachers wages themselves, many of these were far above the national living wage, let alone the minimum wage. Pupils were, at no time during our six hours in the school, pestered to make contributions towards returning the school’s water supply or keeping the electricity running. One teacher even told us that there were times in the year when they would have the heating on and that pupils who’s parents were either in the armed services, prison or dead didn’t pay for their own uniform. What sort of sickening double-standard is this? We were naturally appalled.”

The report did contain some acknowledgment of teacher complaints, mainly small issues, such as; the contaminated swamp in the playground, the nuclear waste that’d been dumped behind the gymnasium and the geese who’ve taken up residence in the open-roof of the Science block. The report concluded these concerns were petty and vindictive.