A crisis has erupted in East Midlands Schools, after a local councillor suggested the need for a major overhaul of their policy on school lunches.

“I really feel” said Councillor Iain Lloyd-Dudley, a woolly minded, Guardian reading Liberal, “that it’s about time we seriously considered offering the children some healthy, nourishing food during the day.”

The local Conservative MP and school governor, Andrew Vaughn-Griffith, said, “Feeding children is very expensive and of little proven worth. Why can’t the children eat at home? Surely, if they were that hungry they’d have resorted to cannibalism by now. We’ve given the children one copy of Lord of the Flies as inspiration.“

Lloyd-Dudley explained, “Research shows feeding children leads to better behaviour and better grades. Currently the system is broken and despite Mr Vaughn-Griffith’s desires we are no longer living in the Victorian ages.”

Mr Vaughn-Griffith replied, “Typical Liberal thinking, there isn’t an endless supply of money. We need to ask ourselves, ‘Why do children even need ‘food’? I’m sure the idea of children ‘eating’ is just another of these modern fads that will pass, much like democracy, world peace and the internet.”

He went on to explain, “I’ve fathered several children in my time and they survive a whole day, at their elite boarding school, on the roasted grouse they have in the morning. I say you give all the children a large stick, throw a ham out into the playground and the winner gets food. Out in the real world it’s kill or be killed.”

Vaughn-Griffith promised to confirm this assessment of the ‘real world’ by going out and visiting it.