After revealing the shocking truth this week that 37-year-old FC Porto substitute Iker Casillas was behind a plot to oust David De Gea from the Spanish national team, Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho has gone even further, revealing that Iker is behind a number of plots to undermine his excellent work at Old Trafford.

“It was obvious” Jose said, from behind the glass partition inside his foil-lined Anderson shelter, “David De Gea had a great world cup, he saved an entire shot in four matches, conceding only six goals in the process behind one of the best defences in the world. This plot to remove him is just one of many ways Iker is undermining my outstanding work.”

Pressed to elaborate on this, Jose continued, “He has been influencing Nemanja Matic to make him camouflage himself so well that commentators regularly forget he is even playing. When we are inevitably drawing 0-0 after 75 minutes at home to a useless team whose entire squad cost less than my subs bench, he is the one who uses telepathy to make me bring on Fellaini. Also, he has been winding up Paul Pogba, telling him lies that he is wasting his career at United and he will never win anything. This is not true. We already won the UEFA Cup. The way that we are going, we could even win it again next season.”

Asked whether Iker has had anything to do with the huge gulf between United and City, Jose was unequivocal. “Yes, he is drugging all the Manchester City players to make them look like they are playing a different sport to everyone else. It is absolutely not the case that they are just much much much much much much much much much better than us.”