Several members of The Cabinet, some MP’s and all of the national press were appalled to discover that Ireland was not a British County. The revelation that Ireland is a country in its own right has caused consternation in the corridors of power.

This has come as a real shock. I’ve worked in Anglo-Irish affairs for the last ten years and I didn’t know. It was only when we were looking through some old papers, as part of the Brexit Backstop Plan, that we found out Ireland became fully independent from Britain in 1937. Did you know that we had a war with the Irish over their independence? We didn’t, it was a shock I can tell you.

Ian Napton, Secretary for Anglo-Irish something or other

Many assumed Ireland was part of Britain because of their massive tea consumption, numerous golf courses and love of Ed Sheeran. The Irish people have a long history of living and working in Britain, satisfying our  need for ‘whimsical’ TV Presenters, bartenders and ‘characters’. Their heroic tolerance for alcohol means they’ve quickly became an accepted part of our society,

The Daily Mail was outraged to find Ireland was its own country and has called for Britain’s sovereignty to be re-introduced by ‘All means necessary’. One columnist said ‘Just because we killed Paddy’s grandfather that’s no reason for them to hate us’.

One Irish spokesman said “Here we go, f*cked by the British yet again, so we are“.