Wrangles at a Thames weir towpath, between a cyclist and a runner, caused widespread consternation and mass eyebrow raising, in middle class suburbia.

Reacting bitterly to the passive-aggressive rumpus, Ian Napton reported his abject horror, at a ‘perspiring runner type’ advancing towards him, ‘’On approaching the gate on my bicycle, I noticed a competitive, faux athletic female, pacing towards me. Immediately, I sensed an air of vulgarity about her.’’

Thinking swiftly, Napton bravely proceeded, ‘’Although the sign indicated that I should dismount, my main priority was to manoeuvre my very expensive Chris Boardman, carbon fibre bicycle through the gap, without halting. It seemed only fair, that she should hold the gate, to allow my prestigious vehicle to pass.’’

Clearly distressed Napton told us, ‘’By means of placation, I generously thanked her, only to have her respond, in an out of breath, insincere manner, ‘the pleasure was all yours.’’

Acknowledging these claims, Laura Smith divulged, ‘’He could clearly see I was wearing a race number. Nineteen miles in, with blisters on my blisters, then being forced to stop, for him and his two wheeled penis extension, smacks of nouveau riche to me.’’

Both are expected to make a full recovery from their odious ordeal