Jacob Rees-MoggMonkey Business

Jacob Rees-Mogg to star as the Baddie in the next Bond film

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been unexpectedly cast as the latest Bond villain.

The producers decided a proper actor was not required, believing a real life ‘baddie’ would be both, scarier and more authenticate to audiences.

In Jacob’s case, lack of acting experience is not a handicap. As long as he plays himself, he’ll bring an air of evil menace to the role. His manner has the odd little habits we like our villains to have, including a Latin catchphrase. We can film in his own secret castle hidden under a forest, he even has his own cat.”

Plot-wise, the writers have developed a theme of worldwide financial and political domination. Rees-Mogg and his gang of cronies; The Govenor, BJ, Bull Dog D and Bankski, plan to destabilise Europe by taking Britain out of the EU. They use this information to manipulate financial exchanges in order to make enormous profits. Once chaos and mayhem reigns in comes their private army to take control.

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s key acolyte and patsy is Maykebelieve. She plays Bond’s biggest threat as he tries to stop the conspiracy. Details of her inglorious end have not been revealed.

Bond, himself, will be played by Gary Lineker. Very much fitting the stereotype of a fit, white middle-aged man gone slightly to seed, he will battle against Rees-Mogg and his secret army to save Britain from the apocalyptic nightmare, before becoming Prime Minister.