Mon. Jul 26th, 2021
What? What do you want me to do?

President Trump has caused widespread alarm again, this time on his own doorstep.

Following two high profile mass shootings in Texas and Ohio, the President’s language lurched at first towards cautious common sense and then to the actual bleeding obvious. “Perhaps more has to be done” he ventured, before going the whole hog, saying, “This has been going on for years, for years and years in our country and we have to get it stopped.

This namby-pamby liberal talk has caused widespread alarm in a country where mass shootings happen most days. Southerners have been especially offended by a President they believe has caved in to intenational condemnation of America’s resistance towards gun control.

Billy-Bob Napton, who regards himself as “just an average American,” told us, “It’s my constitutional right to defend myself in public places like supermarkets, churches and colleges. I need assault rifles to do this and no wishy-washy president is going to take my rights away.”

Commentators have speculated that the President has woken up to the idea that America might “look bad” in the eyes of the rest of the world.

Restricting gun availability is obviously impossible, so saying the right thing seems like a good and cheaper option for a President who, deep down, doesn’t give a damn anyway.

Meanwhile, shopping centres, schools and other public venues are on standby to activate their lockdown drill, pending confirmation of the location of today’s mass murder.

identicon

By Colin

Colin is one of our more experienced writers, he is very fond of a cup of tea, a bourbon biscuit and a bit of a nap in the middle of the afternoon. Been noted to express disapproval with a hrrump!

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!