A man from Glasgow has reported that the London Underground – and everyone on it – is on crack, having survived an early morning tube journey. 

Following witnessing a business-looking guy sat across from him in his pyjamas eating Lucky Charms from a bowl – yes, a bowl – on a 7:30 District Line service, and a woman brushing her teeth with one of those electric vibrator-sounding things and gargling into her handbag, Tom Merton, (25) from Glasgow, has had enough. 

“We’ve got a subway back home in Glasgow,” he told this intrepid reporter over a Wetherspoon’s lunch, “And you’d get f*cking stabbed in the face if you brought on your wee pint of semi-skimmed and your f*cking cornflakes. A guy hospitalised me for a fortnight just because I was wearing brogues.” 

This troubling information comes as no surprise, as I myself was once referred to as a “Harry Potter- looking fanny” on the Glasgow Subway, despite the look I was going for clearly being John Lennon. 

But was this just a one-off on the London Underground? Surely people aren’t actually this batshit and this story of discrepancy comes from another disgruntled Scot who’s just bitter because his city’s subway is essentially as good as a train track around a Christmas Tree… 

No, it’s true. The London Underground *is* f*cking nuts. No, it’s not appropriate to bring your bike on a train and sit on it when the flash mob are taking up all the chairs. 

Transport For London were asked why they don’t shoot these people on sight, or at least fine them for acting like bellends, but they told me to f*ck off and get a real job.