Tue. Jan 25th, 2022
The Beatles

After years of conspiracy theories surrounding Sir Paul McCartney’s replacement at the height of The Beatles’ musical dominance, a newly discovered tape from the Abbey Road days finally explains that Paul McCartney never actually existed.

Todd Cunningham, a between-employment Beatles aficionado discovered these secret tapes at a car boot sale in Purley last weekend and was immediately amazed to discover that The Fab Four themselves never actually existed. Cunningham reveals that The Beatles were actually eighteen Russian spies, two monkeys and a time-travelling Noel Gallagher.

Despite the years of public appearances, worldwide media acclaim and countless people actually meeting and interacting with them, these new tapes debunk Beatlemania as a weird Soviet conspiracy to manufacture popular music so they weren’t forced to listen to do-wop when intercepting radio messages. 

The tape also confirms that many of mysterious messages in The Beatles’ chart-topping songs are actually cryptic Russian codes – “I Am The Walrus” in reality means “Prepare for assault, bring mittens,” and the seemingly innocuous “All You Need Is Love” actually instructs the Kremlin to awaken Lenin from his resurrection chamber.

We interviewed Yoko Ono to ask how she felt about her husband not existing, The Beatles – and their successful careers – being uncovered as a Russian plot but came back instead with four John Lennon CDs, a toilet brush and some graphic artwork.

Despite Mr Cunningham’s best efforts, the tapes have since been seized by Sir Paul’s private security and only his memories and this article remain of the curious discovery.


By Eden Luke McIntyre

Eden Luke McIntyre is a script writer, editor, sketch writer/performer, radio producer and all round scrivener. If you've any little job, project or gig that may utilise his talents ping an email to edenluke@chattychimp.co

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