Monkey Life

Doctor confirms patient doesn’t have dementia, he’s just thick

Ian Napton (57) visited his Doctor after friends, family and work colleagues became worried about his declining mental health. Concerns were raised after he announced he had voted for Brexit, which surprised many, including his French wife Gillian.

They decided to keep a close eye on him and soon started noticing small but significant changes in Ian’s behaviour. He seemed unable to follow simple instructions, operate the hoover, make a cup of tea, or remember it was his round. He was confused by simple TV programmes such as Colombo, Strictly and Britain’s Got Talent.

His work at the call centre was also suffering, he was sent home after asking his outgoing PPI team to tell customers the truth! This had a very negative impact on business.

Ian’s Doctor sent him for detailed testing but the medical team were unable to find any underlying physical factors that explained his symptoms. Following interviews with friends and family about his behaviour his Doctor came to the inevitable conclusion that there was nothing wrong with Mr Napton, it was simply that he was thick.  To give the condition its technical name, he suffers from Thickius Asmincius.

The family were relieved that there was no serious underlying physical condition. Gillian said, “Now we understand what the problem is we can deal with it. As well as keeping him away from sharp implements we can make sure Ian doesn’t see things that would only confuse him, for example anything to do with Politics, Mobile Phones, or Tipping Point.”

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