A list has leaked detailing UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s plans for a post-Brexit Britain, if he isn’t jailed in the next few weeks for dodging congestion charge tax or illegally shutting down constitutional establishments in an attempt at fobbing off democracy.
“Doesn’t this Post-Brexit Britain outlined here seem wonderful?” said absolutely no one.
Boris Johnson – Things I want when Britain is mine
1. More cocktail sausages. Lots of cocktail sausages.
2. BUNTING. ON EVERY STREET.
3. Can we annex Scotland? Can we just… take their money and not give them any power? Oh, we’re already doing that? Excellent.
4. Can we make Wales any less Welsh? If possible? In fact, can we just move the border so that Wales is really just Swansea and we get Cardiff?
5. Is it possible to build an Eiffel Tower? Not as French, though. A British Eiffel Tower.
6. We hang bunting from it. The British Eiffel Tower. That’s how we make sure everyone knows it’s British. And we can use it as a maypole.
7. Waitrose do the best cocktail sausages.
8. Do you think I could be called All-Holy Emperor Boris? Would anyone mind? At least, can *you* all call me it? Don’t care if the people don’t. All-Holy Emperor Boris. Has a nice ring to it.
9. The people. Do we need them? Do they even help anything?
10. Democracy. Can we chuck that?
11. Card Factory do bunting quite cheap, but if we can’t get it there we’ll have to go to Marks’.
12. Let’s deport Jamie Oliver. He’s such a tw*t.
13. Well, can we annex him then?
14. Annex Jamie Oliver.
15. Just do it. I am your All-Holy Emperor.
16. If you’re going to Waitrose, can you get those little dip things as well? The chive ones.
17. How many more golf courses would you like, Mr Trump?
18. BAN GRETA THUNBERG. SHE’S TOO CLEVER.
19. Annex the Queen. Just – I don’t know – go to Buckingham Palace at night and just move it. Put it in Swansea.
20. Ah! Put our Eiffel Tower in its place. Right at the end of the Mall. Big British Eiffel Tower.
21. Can we rename the Mall? It confuses tourists.
22. Oh Christ! I forgot Northern Ireland was ours. Quick – just – promise them some power or something. Border control. Autographs. Don’t care, just do it and let me know what they say.
23. Annex Northern Ireland.
24. Get Fun Ireland on the phone. See if they want their North back.
25. I know it doesn’t work like that.
26. Okay, I didn’t know it doesn’t work like that, but just do it anyway.
27. Is it possible to outlaw cycling? And beards? Can we outlaw Jeremy Corbyn?
28. I want a Wetherspoon’s in every city.
29. Well, two then.
30. Well, three.
31. Is Jamie Oliver gone yet?
32. Can we rename Scotland? North England or something?
33. Just cover the Scotland sign in bunting, then. No one will notice.
34. SOMEONE GET ME SOME MONSTER MUNCH
35. Donald’s wanting to replace Hyde Park with a golf course, so let’s get on that for Daddy.
36. Why am I still seeing Jamie Oliver? Tell him to f*ck off.
37. Where’s my Eiffel Tower? Well, if you can’t do that, can we at least do a Blackpool Tower?
38. Move the London Eye. If I want to wake up and look at a Ferris Wheel, I wouldn’t have given up my job at Butlin’s.
39. Why are there so many Australians in London?
40. Annex Australia. I don’t care that we can’t or it isn’t ours to annex, DO IT. If we can move the Queen to Swansea without her noticing and build a giant maypole, I’m pretty sure that Australia isn’t going to be difficult.
41. Send an apology to Australia. Maybe with a fruit basket.
42. Ah, we’re at war with Australia now. Excellent. Will be like the Ashes, but with guns and less bulls**t.
43. Regain control of the situation.
44. Breathe. Brexit is fine. It will work out. You’re doing good, All-Holy Emperor. You’ve got this.
45. WHERE THE F*CK ARE THOSE COCKTAIL SAUSAGES?