Following their 5-0 win at West Ham on the opening day of the new football season, Manchester City have been crowned 2019/20 Champions.

“There’s no point in calling it a competition,” a spokesman for the FA told us. “We don’t see the point in putting everyone through the charade of another 37 games before presenting the trophy. They can have it now.”

Bookmakers have also paid out on Manchester City, too. A spokesman for Paddy Power confirmed that, “yes, we have paid out, although we are still happy to accept wagers from deluded Liverpool fans who think this must be their year, when, of course, it won’t be.”

“We talked to our football expert,” the Paddy Power man continued. “She told us that City winning the league is a foregone conclusion, that Manchester United have every chance of a place in the top eight, that Newcastle Direct are a good bet for relegation, and that, this time, Tottenham will be out of Europe before Boris can say No Deal.”

Other notable football stick-ons include England not winning the Euros next summer and Chelsea sacking their managers.

“It’s almost as predictable as it was when I was the manager at Manchester United,” Sir Alex Ferguson said, counting a wad of readies outside his local Paddy Power.

Meanwhile, Gary Lineker continues to talk up Leicester City’s chances on Match Of The Day, to at least make it sound exciting. “Oh come on, “said the Paddy Power man. “What chance would a team like Leicester have?”