Australia has announced it will declare war on the UK. The news comes after the Australian Government was alerted to UK Prime Minister and play-doh impersonator Boris Johnson’s leaked plans to annex Australia, despite not really having the means, purpose or authority to do so.

“There are too many Australians living in London,” Mr Johnson attempted to explain, “most of whom are vegan or gluten-free or something stupid like that, and almost certainly working illegally, on gap-years or being generally Australian.”

These comments have angered members of the public, mostly Australians, and has spurned the Grand-High Vizier of Australia, Geoff Armadale, to threaten a nuclear apocalypse unless Mr Johnson apologises, buys him a pint and signs an agreement to build more houses in London for Australian students.

A meeting between Mr Armadale and Mr Johnson caused further controversy when the UK Prime Minister began discussing Australia’s criminal past and attempting some very interesting impressions.

“The man’s a cretin,” Mr Armadale announced, “and his Australian accent came off as more Welsh than anything. I am horribly offended by both it and his implication that everyone in Australia is descended from murderers, which is just not true, as my family are descended from arsonists.”

The plot thickened when it was revealed that Geoff Armadale was in fact not the Grand-High Vizier of Australia, nor was that an official job title, and was in fact a regular of Mr Johnson’s local Australian pub, the Kareless Kangaroo, who was horribly offended and slightly pissed in more ways than one, following the PM’s remarks.

“I knew there was something strange about him,” Mr Johnson confided, “but I couldn’t place it. I just presumed all Australian diplomats come to meetings half-cut and wearing khaki explorer suits.”

Mr Johnson’s inherent racism towards the concept of Australia is to be discussed by a committee this week once they’ve worked out why they’re allowing him to have any kind of power in the first place.