Following yesterday’s story of Alan Whickham-Smythe – Sky News Studio swivel chair and close personal friend of Kay Burley’s campaign to win the General Election, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced his decision to abolish chairs.

When asked if this decision was based on the chair being a more popular candidate for next PM and his biggest political rival, Mr Johnson replied, “Of course not, no. The decision to ban chairs from Britain has been a key policy of the Conservative Party for a couple of weeks, now. We feel that Britain is getting lazy and sitting around too much, waiting for us to get our fingers out and do our jobs, so away with chairs! Let’s all stand on two legs together.”

Interestingly, Mr Johnson has also banned floor-lamps, park benches, pantomime horses, corridors, the Lib Dems and Jeremy Corbyn, all of which are coincidently running against him this December.

We spoke to Peter Corridor, a Lib Dem hopeful and long passage in a building from which doors lead into rooms, about Mr Johnson’s paranoid decision, and amazingly, it replied,

“This is outrageous and hugely xenophobic against architectural connection structures such as myself, and inanimate objects who wish to run in the General Election, no offence to Jeremy Corbyn. As parts of Britain, especially educated parts of Britain such as, again, myself, I think everyone, and everything, should be allowed to represent the people.”

It was discovered, however, that Mr Corridor was built by a Dutch company, and aside from being slightly-too loadbearing to be removed from its place in the University of Edinburgh to go on the campaign trail, was ineligible anyway.

“We have great plans to abolish lots of things,” Mr Johnson declared today, “in order to make this country not too shabby again. Starting with Australians. There are far too many Australians living in London.”

We asked Mr Johnson for further comment but found that he is currently too busy dodging death threats from his local Australian pub.