In a bid to increase efficiency, South London Mum decides to throw the entire Christmas food shop, straight into the bin, plies each of her children with a box of celebrations, then quietly quaffs gin in the kitchen. 

Exasperated Mum of three, Gillian Napton, took the unusual step of swerving the Yule food festivities, as she was, ‘sick and tired of battling for hours, to make an oversized chicken taste halfway edible, only to throw 80% of it away, three days later.’ 

Napton joyfully continued, ‘Not only do I get to enjoy Christmas, I’ve got the added bonus of having the turkey collected by the bin men before the bank holiday, thus avoiding the annual game of ‘which day shall I race out in my dressing gown, to chase the refuse lorry down the road, with my copious food waste.’ 

Supporting Napton’s theory, a recent social survey concluded that 73% of people, who rarely enter the kitchen, miraculously become ‘Jamie Oliver for the day’, when regularly offering their cuisine advice, to their seasoned Christmas host. A further 87%, inexplicably needed to empty their bowels, at the first sign of any clearing up. 

In fact, Napton concluded, ‘I’m doing my bit for the planet. Think of the energy and water I’m saving, not to mention arguments. Greta Thunberg, this one’s for you. Cheers.’