Ian McNapton has admitted that Burns Night is simply an excuse to fleece the gullible English.

“Och, of course it is. Fer Christ’s sake we blow bagpipes and read poetry to a bowl of mince and tatties and then we charge them £100 to eat it.”

London based Merchant Banker, Giles Giles, refused to admit that he had been taken in by the cunning Scots, “I say, what? No, it’s a traditional Scottish meal, served in houses up and down the country for generations. It celebrates a proud Scottish heritage. What’s more the Whisky I was served was a rare, high-quality single malt, that only someone of my taste and refinement would appreciate and it comes from a collection you won’t get anywhere else…oh bollocks!…. I’ve been done haven’t I?”

Mr McNapton went to explain that frankly, the Scots were amazed they’d gotten away with it for so long. “The idea that we play music and read poetry to mince, have you heard bagpipes indoors? Frightens the daylights out of the cat every time. And Cranachan, I mean really?  A bowl of cream with porridge oats sprinkled on top and a bit of fruit…from a country that invented deep-fried chocolate bars, how di ye nae ken? If we’ve nothing in, we sit around the telly and order Dominos.”

He went on to explain that “Every family in Scotland has an Uncle Charlie who does a good Sean Connery, we get him pissed and hire him out to read Dr Seuss to ‘The Haggis’. No one can understand a word he says but the English love it and we make enough money from that one night to take the whole family to Magaluf in August.

As for the Whisky, Giles? it’s just Bell’s. There’s a print shop in Inverness runs off fancy labels to stick on the bottles but stick a big enough price tag on it and you idiots will buy it to impress your mates.