Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective methods for mis-predicting the weather. At a cost of £1.2B, a new supercomputer is too expensive, hence the Stonehenge reboot.

The ancient druidic supercomputer was decommissioned when science dismissed ancient wisdom as ‘a load of mumbo-jumbo’.

Fortunately, thanks to the hard work of pseudo-scientists like Gwyneth Paltrow, these ancient practices have been revived.

Programmers will re-align the stones, give them a good scrub and sacrifice a virgin from Swindon as part of the re-booting programme. The commissioning ceremony will conclude at the Summer Solstice, with the weather presenters dancing around in the nuddy.

An excited crowd gathers for the nuddy dancing!

Chief Mysteriologist Ian Napton said “We considered different arcane rituals, before deciding that this method of mis-predicting the weather is the most cost-effective. Unfortunately, we had to discount ‘scrying the runes’ due to EU brand protection rules, the reading of foxes entrails fell foul the hunting ban and science is too expensive.

Once the new system is in place the general public will have no more idea of whether to bring an umbrella, pack an extra sweater or slap on the sunscreen, than they did under the old system.

The technology is very advanced, essentially site based forecasters will be reporting on real-time data flows. So if the henge is wet, it’s raining, if one of the top stones is lying on the floor wind is expected and should they be standing in the shade, it’s off to the beach we go.”