Sat. Sep 25th, 2021

House burglar, Ian ‘Swiper’ Napton, has applied for State Benefits, as he is unable to work.

Following the Government’s Corona Virus response, many people are home working. Mr ‘Swipers’ is more of a ‘work from your home’ specialist, and this trend is negatively impacting his earning potential. Higher than usual rates of occupancy means it’s almost impossible for him to break in and ‘steal shit’.

Wanking from home!

“I need to earn, I have a big debt with Johny Five Fingers to pay back, and the bastards mothers always need something. A life of crime is hard work. Sure there are some big paydays, but you never know where your next Laptop, DVD or flat screen is coming from.”, said Swiper’s.

Experts claim that stopping burglars will have a very negative impact on the economy, pointing out that each burglary creates a financially ‘virtuous’ circle.

The householder gets an important life lesson, and the chance to submit an over-inflated insurance claim, that will cover the cost of a family holiday to Magaluf. Plod can justify their requests for bigger budgets and more man-power, all of whom will fail to catch Swipers. Manufacturers can sell updated replacement models, and insurance companies can say that the high number of over-inflated claims justifies exorbitant premiums. If Swipers does get caught, there is an army of solicitors, lawyers, prison officers and social and probationary services, who will fail to get him to stop robbing people.

Stop thief!

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn claims that we should be paying Swipers State Benefits, “He’s a human being, he deserves to be treated with respect. We shouldn’t look down on him just because he has an unusual job. Why should his families suffer because of a series of small indiscretions? Anyway, he probably took to a life of crime because his Daddy didn’t read him bed-time stories, so it’s hardly his fault.”


By The Chatty Chump

Given his name by The Editor for good reason, although both parties refuse to speak of it. Lucky to still have a tyre swing.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!