(Excerpt United Earth T-Day Commemoration)
Good afternoon, citizens of the world. It is with great pride that we celebrate the anniversary of the death of our savior, Donald J. Trump. Thunderous applause erupts from the crowd.
Our hero learned of the impending alien attack in 2015. Donald wanted to warn the planet, but knew no one would take him seriously. He spent years cultivating his “angry and unhinged boss” persona on television. Donald’s only option was to gain a prominent position in government and prepare the world. His quest began.
Donald needed to unite the people of Earth and inoculate them against the aliens’ mind control. Everyone had to distrust those in power, the first to become thralls of the aliens. To that end, Donald altered his personality and appearance to replicate the repulsive, orange, slug-like creatures. As president, he acted the fool to anger and alienate U.S. allies. Donald also built an economic house of cards, designed to enrich the elite and enrage all others. When a pandemic came to his door, he welcomed it in. And yes, the rumors are true… he even altered his genitalia to evoke disgust for alien fungal reproduction. Here the President of the United Earth tears up. So selfless.
Eventually, the world rose up against his dictatorial caricature. The people threw him into prison for crimes committed in pursuit of his goal – being loathed by all. When the aliens arrived, no one fell under their control. Hatred for Donald generalized to the aliens, just as he knew it would.
Categories:Monkey Business, Monkey News, Politics
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