Successful Market RAIDERSMonkey News

Making money is more important than lifesaving, says hedge fund manager

The Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) has spoken out against “cheapshot journalism” following accusations that some financial firms have made money during extreme market volatility caused by the Coronavirus outbreak, while ordinary people struggle.

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Hedge funds have been accused of raking in billions.

Ian Napton, for the FCA, told us, “The Guardian actually uses the word “accused.” That’s like saying a mechanic is accused of repairing a car. Hedge funds are supposed to fleece the market whether it goes up or down. That’s why they exist.”

Noted Hedge Fund Manager, Sir Crispin Odious, told us, “It’s not meant to be fair. It’s not a level playing field. Nurses don’t get paid much because they don’t make money for their employers. It’s all well and good that they save lives, but where’s the money in that? I saved no lives in March, but I did make investor returns of 21%, and that’s why I’m worth £800 million.”

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Odious continued, “Obviously if a nurse saves my life, that’s worthwhile because I contribute a lot to the economy. My restaurant bills alone support most of West London. But if she saves the life of a lesser, ordinary person who is a net drain on the economy because of the benefits and tax credits they claim, that costs the economy and it wasn’t a life worth saving. It’s all quite straightforward. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to Jacob Rees-Mogg about a deal to sell Somerset to some wealthy Russians I know.”

A spokesman for The Guardian said, “We hope we can start a national conversation about what’s really important and how society rewards those who contribute most.”

Meanwhile, capitalism continues.

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