Sun. Nov 1st, 2020

Following Priti Patel’s latest numbers gaff, the Government is bringing in professional help. TV Presenter and Media Personality Carol Vorderman is to teach The Cabinet basic maths.

Carol’s syllabus will cover three main elements; basic numbers, simple mathematical functions, solving for X and avoiding responsibility for the answer.

In Module One, ministers will learn that Threehundredthousandfourhundredandthirtyssixthoudsandsevenhunderedandtwerty isn’t a proper number, for mathematical purposes.


The next module, look’s at operators; plus, minus, multiplication and division. For example, adding 30,000 nurses to the 20,000 nurses you already have, doesn’t equal 50,000 more nurses. Or, if you’ve taken away 20,000 policemen and you add 20,000 policemen, the result isn’t 20,000 more policemen, it’s a net gain of Zero policemen.

Just me and thousands of my colleagues

Element three concerns using Zero. So, if you place an order for 10,000 ventilators, and then cancel them, how many ventilators does your local hospital have? Or If you send all of the available PPE to the NHS in England, how much PPE are Scotland, Wales and Ireland left with? And, if you spend £16 Million pounds on COVID Tests that don’t measure what you want to know, why do you still have a job?

The more advanced students will go on to learn how to answer such questions as; if you are planning to conduct 100,000 COVID tests a day by 30 April, and on the 15th of April you are doing 15,000 tests a day, what excuse do you have to use to justify why the X it didn’t happen? Can you include all the test you could potentially do, given infinite time? Or, if X is 100% of the appropriate standard PPE that the Government say key workers have, find Y, which is X minus (the number of key workers crowd-funding their own PPE + PPE borrowed from Schools, Colleges and Businesses + PPE made by people with a 3D Printer) minus the number of NHS staff dying because they have insufficient or inadequate PPE.

The final module will look at why, if the NHS has 100% of its required funding, a 99 year-old-man is walking around his garden to raise money for basic services.

Meanwhile, Corona Virus continues.

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By Binty

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!