United’s Disappointment

So United have crashed out of the European equivalent of the Price is Right. There’ll be no bonus prizes this time, they haven’t even been able to hang on to the £100 Argos voucher, being dumped out without even getting the chance to answer their double points bonus question on the works of William Shakespeare.

As their tepid European campaign draws to a close (a campaign which started with a flourish when a group of Bulgarian farmers were dispatched with a dodgy VAR decision and a goal from a player paid more than that nations GDP), it’s important to decide, for the sake of conversation if nothing else, where this disappointment ranks.

“We are devastated” United’s slab-headed centre-half Harry ‘no really they paid £80m for me’ Maguire told us,

To get all the way to the semi-finals of the UEFA LDV Vans Coca-Cola Shield and lose is awful. It’s like when you go to open A-Level results from an exam you haven’t sat and find out you’ve got a U in Applied Dance when that wasn’t even a subject you took to begin with.

Harry Maguire, Slab-headed Centre-Half

United boss Ole Solskjaer struck a different tone though, “Harry’s wrong, I’m afraid to say. This is more like when you’ve planned to have steak for dinner and then you get to the fridge and you realise the steak is three weeks out of date and you’ll have to have fish again.”

United’s left-back, Brandon Williams, had his own take on the disappointment, “It’s more like if you wanted to go to Dunelm to look at lampshades but then you couldn’t because it closes early on a Sunday. A minor inconvenience at best.”

Whether a minor inconvenience or a full-blown disappointment, one thing’s for sure, Man Utd won’t be going home with the lounge suite or the brand new washer/dryer.