In an eleventh-hour attempt to snatch a vanquishment from the jaws of defeat in the EU trade negotiations, the Government is deploying a world-beating Artificially Intelligent trade negotiator called Tantrum Extremis. It is built by Agrada (the Mutant AI who successfully performed as a scapegoat for the A level grading fiasco).

Tantrum Extremis, uses machine learning to assimilate and apply negotiating techniques that have been successfully used by the Shaved Apes (humans)

Agarda, The Mutant AI

Agrada explained to the Chimp that a few renowned negotiators have been analysed and their negotiating profile and absorbed by Tantrum Extremis. David Davis is in there because of his EU experience; likewise, Dominic Raab for his clarity of thought and Chris Grayling had to be in the mix. The negotiating profile of Mark Francois has also been added to the pantheon of experts for his intellectual gravitas.

Most controversially, the negotiating profile of Stuart Jones, aged seven, is seen as the most important of the contributors to Tantrum Extremis.

The foot-stamping, screaming and throwing things carries a real shock value around the negotiating table. It throws the opposition off balance and that is when you strike.

Agrada

When challenged on the wisdom of using primary school tactics in international trade negotiations, Agrada answered confidently:

“Stuart successfully traded his COVID mask for five Lego figures and a bag of Haribos: Anybody that can do that is more than a match for Michel Barnier.”