Scientists have discovered that the entire UK population may be tripping.

Botanists researching fungi growing on the banks of UK reservoirs have discovered that the mushrooms are discharging a narcotic hallucinogen into our drinking water.

We have found that high concentrations of the narcotic are evident in the tap water supply: The conclusion is that we could all be off our faces without realising it dude.

Walter Weiss, Psychedelic Scientist and Cook

There is speculation in the scientific community about what this means for our perception of reality. Recent events around the world and the reaction of other countries to the policies of the UK may be explained by everybody being off their tits mushroom juice.

Brexit, COVID, floods, droughts, Trump, the success of Ed Sheeran; all of these events might just be the effect of mass hallucinations. The narcotic may be distorting the perception of the UK population in a way not seen since Johnson was a newspaper columnist. The other countries in the world could be looking at us and thinking – What the hell are those guys on… and where can we get some?

Tim Leary, Under the Counter Culture Dude

The circumstantial evidence seems strong, but the real question is: If we are so stoned we don’t know what’s happening, how do we know if we’re right about this? The consensus among the Chimps is that we should go down the pub and figure it out… as soon as we’re out of lockdown.