Sat. Sep 25th, 2021

Ian Napton, Daily Express Editor, passed away after reports came in of significant snowfalls across the country.

It was the addition of ‘significant accumulations even in low lying areas and drifting in more exposed parts’ that did for him.

Diana Spencer, the work experience girl

After years of predicting significant and disruptive snowfalls across the country, the strain of being right, just once, was too much for Mr Napton’s heart to take.

The orgasm started at around 3.50 p.m, when BBC News issued a snow alert with advice on travel, and a recommendation to stock up on essential supplies. As the bulletin continued, Mr Napton could be heard to shudder, groan and shake, crying out, “Oh yes baby, that’s it, come to Daddy!

Staff turned up the volume in an effort to drown out his noises, however, this only made things worse. As pictures of falling snow filled the screen, Ian cried out, “See! I told you we were right and it’s not even in Scotland.” and “Take that Daily Mail, we got there first.”

One of the reporters explained,

We didn’t realise there was anything wrong. It’s a weird place to work, so you don’t notice anything unusual, although the damp patch should have been a clue. It’s a tragedy, but he’s with Diana now, so that will be some consolation.

Andrew Neil, columnist

The Daily Express front page, in tribute to Ian, is running with ‘British Snow, for British People, it’s what she would have wanted.”


By The Crown Prince

As you can see from his regal bearing his majesty is a fine specimen of ape hood. By way of disclaimer any suggestion of parties involving a Prince of the Realm are unfounded.

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