Monkey Life

Daily Express editor suffers orgasmic death as snow arrives

Ian Napton, Daily Express editor, passed away after reports came in of significant snowfalls across the country. After years spent predicting significant and disruptive snowfalls across the country, the strain of being right, just once, was too much for Mr Napton’s heart to take.

“It was the addition of ‘significant accumulations even in low-lying areas and drifting in more exposed parts’ to the reports that finally did for him.” said Diana Spencer, the work experience girl.

The orgasm started at around 3.50 p.m when BBC News issued a snow alert with advice on travel and a recommendation to stock up on essential supplies. As the bulletin continued, Mr Napton could be heard to shudder, groan and shake, crying out, “Oh yes baby, that’s it, come to Daddy!

Staff turned up the TV volume to 11 in an effort to drown out his noises; however, this only made things worse. As pictures of falling snow-filled, blocked roads and jack-knifed lorries covered the screen, Ian cried out, “See! I told you we were right, and it’s not even in Scotland.” and “Take that Daily Mail, we got there first.”

One reporter explained, “We didn’t realise there was anything wrong. It’s a weird place to work, so you don’t notice anything unusual, although the damp patch should have been a clue. It’s a tragedy, but he’s with Diana now, so that will be some consolation.” Andrew Neil, columnist and wanker.

The front page of tomorrow’s Daily Express is, in tribute to Ian, running with ‘British Snow, for British People, it’s what she would have wanted.”

We will bring you further news as we have it.

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