Monkey Business

Man stockpiles his own ’emissions’ as gas shortages mount

After reading a news headline, reassuring the British public that there will be no shortage of Gas,  Ian Napton (45) decided to play it safe and bottle his own methane.

Kwasi Kwarteng claimed that “there is no question of the lights going out this winter”. It was then Ian came to realise the “lights will go out this winter”.

“Just like with the petrol, milk, pork, jam, bread and everything else., if the Government says something won’t happen, you can be bloody sure that it will.”

Ian Napton, beer drinking shed-dweller

Ever the practical man, Ian retired to his shed to design a gas collection device.

“I have no problem with supply. I am a forty-year-old fat man who drinks’ real ale and eats curry. I make enough gas to run a small family car. No! the main issues are collection and storage.”

Ian Napton, Single

Ian solved the problem using nothing more than gaffer tape, bin liners and a funnel. By careful application of “The Device”, he claims to be able to collect 95% of his emissions.

“Although it is a little cumbersome to wear at night, you soon get used to it.”

Ian Napton, I know, who’d have thought it?

He stores the collected gas in his loft. The gasbags connect to his boiler, and provide underfloor heating for the cat. A simple valve allows him to select between homegrown gas and the national network, depending on how much ale he has had to drink.

“They say that necessity is the mother of invention, well Mum says that’s true! I really believe that this is the future of recycling. We are gas generating machines. Imagine what you could power if you were to collect air from Wetherspoons on a Saturday night.”

Ian Napton, his Mum’s best boy

Such has been the interest generated in his idea that he has already had offers from two of the dragons. Meanwhile, Elon Musk is considering switching his electric cars to gas as this could make him even richer than that Amazon guy.

“I didn’t do it for the money, it was just a way to make the world a better place. How much did you say he wants to buy this for?”

Ian Napton, Billionaire

All offers to chatty@chattychimp.com

Pat Pending.

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