Monkey News

Britain’s remaining Tory voter to turn out the lights

As the Tory share of the vote falls faster than the pound after a Liz Truss speech, a request has gone out for Britain’s last remaining Tory Voter to turn out the lights.

Following the selection of Liz Truss as Prime Minister, the British public decided it has had enough. Within days of her election to high office, the Queen died, her mini-budget crashed the pound, and pension funds broke, destroying any credibility the Tories had that they could form a competent government.

As one, the nation cried, “Please make it stop”.

The Conservative’s three-month contest to choose someone to lead the country through very dark times resulted in the party choosing a woman who; can’t speak coherently, doesn’t understand economics and is unable to find her way out of a room with one door. It’s a disgrace, no wonder the public has had enough.

Unbelievably, the country seems to miss Boris Johnson and his cabinet of craziness and would rather vote for Labour in his absence.  

Despite the previous decade’s catalogue of horrors, one man keeps his faith.

Derek Burrows (63), a middle manager from Tunbridge Wells, still believes that the Tories have the answers and that Thick Lizzie is the right person to lead the country.

“You don’t get something for nothing in this life unless you’re good mates with a government minister, oligarchs and crooks or the posh boys from Eton. That is the British way,” says Derek.

Before adding, “She makes a lot of sense, that woman and remember, Brexit is brilliant for Britain. Mind you. I have been taking these little pink pills.”

Once officials confirm Derek as the last Tory voter, he will turn out the country’s lights for the final time.