The Chairman of the Every Penny Saved Group, Sir Cuthbert Giles-Giles, popped into their Hastings store to congratulate Ian Napton on surviving 35 continuous years in a dull, meaningless minimum-wage job.

“Without thousands of people like Ian. People who are dedicated, hard-working and committed to the Every Penny Saved mission, I wouldn’t be able to get my £4 million a year salary, index-linked pension and a frankly staggering annual bonus. Millions of people like this make Britain what it is today.”

The local media were out in force to cover the remarkable story. Pictures of the totally underwhelmed Ian appeared in the local paper, social media, and the evening news.

However, the photo op was not without controversy. One intrepid reporter asked Sir Cuthroat if, in recognition of his dedication to the company, Ian would get a pay rise. The reporter was swiftly whisked away.

His line manager was asked what makes Ian such a valued team member.

“Well, he turns up on time, puts things on shelves, runs the broom over the floor and mans the till when we are busy. I thought he smiled three years ago, but it turns out he had wind. Look, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Do you really think we care? I only know his surname because I give him his monthly payslip. Other than that, I know almost nothing about the man. He turns up, mooches around and gets paid. As for the company mission, I couldn’t tell you what it is.”

We asked Ian what made Every Penny Saved such a great company to work for.

“I don’t know. I turn up, do my hours and get paid. Then I go home.”

“Yes”, said the reporter, “but what made you stay here for so long?”

“Dunno, I need money for rent, food and my model car collection. I get just enough to live on but not enough to save anything, so I can’t just leave. Before you know it, 35 years have passed. Do you know what that twat gave me for 35 years of service? …A clock, a bloody clock. Right! It’s lunchtime; I’m off to look at the ducks for half an hour.”

So there you have it. After 35 years of generating company profits, it finally notices that Ian exists.

BREAKING NEWS

After lunch, Sir Cuthroat Giles-Giles announced the closure of 23 stores, including the Hastings branch.