The Tories fired the starting gun on the race to find the worst person in Britain to lead a political party.

While many experts, and Laura Kuenssberg, believe the job should go to Nigel Farage, the Tories have other ideas. Early contenders for the most despicable person in politics are Kemi Badenough, Cruella Braverman, Tommy Tugonthat and the incredibly useless Robert Jenrick. 

In a race to be the vilest human being in Parliament, these noted (Insert pejorative phrase here) bell ends are up against the wily machinations of the legend that is James ‘Not So’ Cleverly himself. A man for whom bumbling incompetence is a badge of honour. His consistent failure to defend the indefensible has won him the support of the crooks and charlatans who run the party and endless mockery from the British public. He is currently the favourite to win.

There is no one this crowd of shysters are not prepared to blame for the state of the nation; brown people on boats, brown people with no money, brown people without a boat, the disabled, the workshy, benefit scroungers, people who use the NHS, hungry school children, Gary Linekar, youngsters, old-people, middle-aged people, workers, workers demanding a living wage, middle-age people demanding a doctors appointment, doctors demanding better pay than a shop worker, train drivers who earn more than teachers, sick people who won’t work, the BBC, the establishment, the ECHR, the EU, the woke mind virus, Tory voters who stayed at home during the last election, grandparents that won’t die, anyone who earns less than them, the envious little shits who didn’t go to public school, lefty lawyers, lefty judges, ecomentalists, Just Stop Oil, Greenpeace, cyclists, the French, the Archbishop of Canterbury, workshy benefit claiming immigrants who stole your job, workshy benefit claiming immigrants that didn’t steal your job, immigrants that came here to work, immigrants that won’t come here to work, Nish Kumar,  the Palestinians, Noel Edmonds and brown people. They even tried blaming the party that’s not been in power for fourteen years.

All the candidates share the same core beliefs and have declared war on the woke* mind virus, whatever that is. They all believe that apart from the snazzy uniforms, fascism has a lot going for it. They have all pledged to adhere to the traditional Conservative values of ‘blaming someone else while we steal all of your money’.

Several of the Conservative Party’s Special Needs Advisers suggested an alternative approach. They asked, ‘Why not go with someone completely unelectable? e.g. Jeremy Clarkson, Jeremy Hunt or even Jeremy Corbyn.’ To be fair, they couldn’t be worse than the last five Tory leaders. As everyone knows, it doesn’t matter who the party chooses; they aren’t getting anywhere near government until Nigel stops pissing about with Deformed UK and joins the Tory Party.

*Woke – Being aware that everyone is different and that is ok. AKA not being a cunt.

Meanwhile, your new government continues.