Two Met coppers went to work, did their job and went home

In a surprising development, the Independent Office for Police Conduct (run by the police) has discovered two officers who regularly turn in to work, do their job to a good standard and then bugger off home in time for tea.

“It seems these two officers haven’t raped anyone, no trace of lying, cheating, stealing or roughing up a suspect. At no point were indecent images shared on Whats App, nor were they racist, sexist or homophobic. It’s a puzzler.”

“One case they handled featured a potentially tricky accusation against a senior politician. The officers in question looked into the matter. They conducted the investigation politely and fairly before coming to the right conclusion.” Said Ian Napton.

This conduct seems to be in stark contrast to every other officer on the force. Only today, two more officers were charged with serious sexual assault. Critics have pointed out that the police would do more to protect women by being closed down.

IOPC has decided it is not in the public interest to reveal the identities of the two officers. This is because it will make the rest of the force feel uncomfortable. “The last thing we need is more emotionally unstable coppers sunning around the place.” Said Ian.

Following an internal review, the two officers have been placed on indefinite leave.

Senior officers can’t believe that two policemen can behave this way. If left to fester, this kind of thing will tarnish the reputation of the police and bring the service into disrepute.

“If the public gets the idea that we are there to do our jobs, what next? What do you think will happen to all those brown envelopes? The reminds me I must pop into the Post Office on the way home.”

“Do you have any idea how many of us got Range Rovers under the last government? Loads of us. All we are likely to get from this lot is a pat on the back and a reminder that we serve the public.”

Once the internal review is completed, the two officers will be found guilty and summarily dismissed. “We’ve got to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand.” Cried, Ian.

Meanwhile, your government continues.