Monkey Life

Wigan Zoo set to display a rare Jacob Rees-Mogg

Curators at Wigan Zoo, one of the finest animal sanctuaries in Britain, have announced their latest prize exhibit, a Jacob Rees-Mogg (Poshtwaticus Poshtwaticus).

The Zoo had heard rumours of the existence of the mythical “Super Posh Tory”, but they never thought a live display would be possible. Their plans received a boost when they got Lottery Funding, to allow them to prepare a small castle, the Bertie Wooster Wing, in which to house the exhibit.

Working secretly, the curators staked out the Mayfair area of London, looking for signs of the elusive Tory. Eventually trackers found him returning to his multi million-pound home, after a late sitting at the House of Commons. They ambushed him as his driver parked the car. As the sack was placed over his head, he was heard to cry, “Unhand me you ruffians”.

His keepers have spent the past three weeks, acclimatising the over-privileged toff to life in the north by exposing him to local foods, drinks and culture. This was difficult, as there isn’t much call for; Pate de Fois Gras, Beluga Caviar, oysters and guinea fowl in Wigan. Luckily, Wigan’s finest chefs were eager to help, and they’ve developed an appropriate menu.

He has a Barm Cake for breakfast, a light lunch of Tripe and Onions followed by a dinner of Pie, Chips and Gravy. He has gained two stone in weight, and early signs of heart disease. The keepers are pleased with his progress.

In an attempt to overcome the language barrier, the team have been showing him Peter Kaye videos. Whilst he has not laughed yet, rudimentary communication is, now, possible.

The zoo hopes to start a captive breeding programme. The aim is for visitors and school children, to be able to follow the complete life cycle of a family of over privileged Tories, within a safe environment. The search is on for suitable helpmeet, and the team are scanning the society pages for Jocasta, Clarissa or Georgina of suitable breeding age.

The Jacob Rees-Mogg is open for viewing from 9 a.m. until evensong.

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