After a perilously poor start to the season, it seems the Spanish giants Real Madrid are already on the lookout for a new manager. Sitting a heinous 4 points from the top of La Liga having been beaten by Levante (a team they thumped 1-1 last season), the club is ready to can their current boss, the mid-ranking sales executive-turned-professional football manager, Julen Lopetegui.

After a number of scurrilous rumours, club President Florentino Perez has come out in the media to clarify the club’s current position. “Yes, look, of course we have already put the call in to Big Sam. He has a track record of polishing turds mid-season. I have spoken to the players about this and they are thrilled. Modric has told me he is looking forward to being shown videos of David Batty and Lee Cattermole so he can see how real football is played, Varane tells me all he’s ever wanted to do is ‘keep it simple lads and hump the ball into row z’, while Navas is looking forward to grinding out some tight 0-0 draws against Espanyol and Real Betis. Bale was so happy he laughed in my face.”

Perez went on to clarify that they were sounding out other candidates, saying this would be an open and transparent process, “Yes, it will be very transparent, I have a glass window in my office, anyone who gets past security will be able to see into my meetings with Moyesy and Holloway and that bloke who did the Halifax adverts.”

Big Sam is due in Madrid on Wednesday, just as soon as he gets back from an important conference in Dubai.