Sat. May 21st, 2022
Death preparing for genocide

The brutal genocide of one’s enemies should not be taken off the negotiating table, say both left and right wing Brexit activists, after months of shouting at each other on Twitter have failed to break the deadlock.

Pretend communist Socialist Kevin Hard MP tells The Chimp: “We’ve tried abuse, scorn, misrepresentation and fake outrage, but those alt-right bastards haven’t budged an inch despite all our efforts. They just get more stubborn the more shit we throw at them.”

 Knee-jerk fascist Malcolm Essex MP adds: “Those lefties, we’ve lied to them, threatened them, made up all kinds of nasty shit about them, and what do they do? It’s like they’re not even listening to us.”

 ‘Seriously, at this late stage it’s looking like some kind of murderous cull of Remainers is the only strong and stable way out of this mess,” he says.

Hard agrees that annihilation should remain an option despite attempts by wicked Centrists to pass a ‘No atrocities’ motion through the House. “We’re supporting the Genocide Proposition but tabling an amendment to make the victims of the vicious slaughter the 17.4 million leave voters. We believe this amendment reflects the will of the people.

 “Just between you and me, we’d settle on 10 million,” he whispers, conspiratorially. “We’re not monsters.”

 Essex says the list of fatalities would include “anti-patriots, anti-democrats, collaborators, sandal wearers, anyone with a top knot, people who make their own fucking muesli, people who’ve been abroad except to Spain, and wishy-washy liberal do-gooders.”

 “So Surrey, basically,” he explains.

 Hard replies that his party would lobby for the victims to be “racists, bigots, homophobes, warmongers, everyone with more money than me, Jaguar owners, people called Roger, and cunts.”

 “So yeah, Surrey,” he agrees.

Centrist melt Sheila Median sighs. “I think it was Jorge Luis Borges who described a previous conflict as two bald men fighting over a comb. Now we’ve got two small-dicked men fighting over a crusty wank-mag under a gorse bush. This is why we can never let them have guns.”

 “Centrists? They can fuck right off,” opines Kevin Hard.

 Malcolm Essex nods in agreement. “First up against the wall,” he says. “Fancy a pint, Kevin?”

Brexit Continues


By Rhesus Mogg

With a penchant for wordiness, a love of real ale and sharp wit we are wondering why Rhesus is slumming it at Chatty. Although we are glad to have him, especially at opening time.

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