A Highgate headteacher has horrified pushy parents, by threatening to withdraw the coveted school award system.

As the steady stream of parents regularly protesting increased, if their child failed to be nominated, Mr Targett felt he was ‘left with little choice.’

Enraged parents, were forced to call an emergency playground rally, in a bid to offset the disastrous decision. Speaking passionately, Olivia Napton informed us, ‘As it stands, statistically speaking, Brabantia-Dragonflower is 87% less likely to receive an award than her peers, so the idea of never having one again, has had a huge, detrimental impact on her perilously, low self-esteem.’

Targett was quick to respond, by politely reminding parents that the school’s primary role, was in fact to ‘educate the children, rather than preside over parental politics or award altercations.’

With retirement on the horizon, Targett remonstrated, ‘While we actively encourage our pupils to be creative, independent, individuals, there are limits on what we can reward. Sadly for some parents, there are no certificates granted for bogey sculpting, ignoring basic instructions or terrorising other children.’

Indignant, Napton complained, ‘Brabantia is merely an exploratory, delicate soul. Leaf and I, are nurturing our baby in child-lead, organic, vegan, gluten and constriction free, safe space, which should be praised.’