Britain’s newest and most up-and-coming magician is wowing them in the Shires and Backbenches. Not since the legendary Paul Daniels had Britain seen a trick like this one.
Known as Saj The Maj, he’s magically finding money for everyone, so his act is terribly popular. “Old magic doesn’t set pulses racing any more,” he told us. “Sleight of hand has been seen through. It’s just basic dishonesty when you strip the Manifesto policy wordings away, and people want more. Previous magicians have exhausted the old ‘pulling a rabbit out of a hat’ routine, too, so I needed something new. I looked at this old tree in the garden at the back of my new house and thought, hmm, a money tree. The previous bloke who lived here talked a lot about money tree policy, and now I understand what he was on about. I’ve built my act around it.”
Magically, Saj has found money in the garden for 20,000 new* police officers, nearly replacing the number lost since the Tories came to power (* sorry, even we can’t define “new” in a way which covers off the actual truth here). He’s found money for 10,000 new prison places, too. Best of all, he’s found billions more to give to his friend, Gove, to spend on a party at his local brewery.
“I thought we could celebrate money tree policy with a new 50p coin, too,” Saj told us. “I want it to say ‘Peace, prosperity and friendship with all Tories’ on the back, or something like that.”
Gove and his other other friends are hoping Saj can keeping his act going when Autumn comes and all the leaves have fallen off the money tree. Quietly, some are worried that the money will run out.