In a desperate bid to attract a new cricket audience the ECB have announced plans to reduce matches to one ball per team.

Ian Napton-Smythe, DfS, GChQ, FghI and ECB Chair, explained his thinking.

“Everyone loves a day at the cricket. Typically one starts the day with a hearty Full English before heading off to the ground for kick off at 11.00 am. Then it’s out with the beer, G&T, or whatever takes your fancy. Nothing is really happening in the game at this point, so it’s an early opportunity to get those alcohol levels up nice and high. Before you know it, it’s time for lunch in the restaurant or maybe a picnic, all washed down with a couple of bottles of claret. Then back to the seat and nice afternoon doze until tea.”

“After we’ve had a reviving cuppa and a nice chat about how lunchtime drinking makes you sleepy it’s back on the G&T until close. Then we are off to another restaurant for a nice spot of dinner, a few sherberts and a taxi home. TBF the cricket just gets in the way.”

“So, the bright boys reimagined the game. Reduce cricket to one ball each and everybody can get on with having fun. We won’t have to refund for rain, or bad light and even the younger generation can pay attention long enough to see two balls bowled.”

“The wife won’t know any difference, you’ll still come home pissed and the Johnnies at TMS can still waffle on as normal.”

The ECB hope this will open cricket up to a whole new audience. Sky are interested in sponsoring it and Channel 5 want to theme a game show based on picking which spectator will be the most drunk at stumps!