Tue. Jan 25th, 2022
Scotland leaves

Insider reports suggest that Scotland has finally had enough and is packing her bags. The news comes after Scotland’s First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, boldly declared on Sky News that “This Brexit thing is pure shite and I canny be arsed with it. We’re all just moving out.”

This report comes after Ms Sturgeon notified UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson in the WhatsApp group that she was “a bit peeved” about the Brexit living conditions.

We’ve contacted the landlord,” Ms Sturgeon continued, “and he wants nothing to do with it, so we contacted his uncle and he’s said it’s fine. So, aye, we’re just going to pack our bags and piss off.”

Following these reports, families were seen leaving their homes with overnight bags early this morning, all across Scotland.

Tollcross native Andrew Riley told us “Nicola’s found us all a nice wee place just off the coast of Cumbria. We’re all just going to squeeze in there for a bit. We might have to rough it for a bit.

These bold moves come after news of Newcastle looking into plans to build a spaceship and escape, similar to Manchester last week who were in the news for commissioning a moonbase to avoid the cluster happening down here.

We’re still waiting on confirmation about the rest of England and Wales’ Brexit counter-measures, but after Liverpool’s decision last month to declare itself independent from the UK, kidnap the French Ambassador and start a bizarre civil war between Beatles and Stones fans, we don’t think it’ll be too much longer until everyone else does something drastic that surely can’t be as mad as Brexit. 

Meanwhile Brexit continues


By Eden Luke McIntyre

Eden Luke McIntyre is a script writer, editor, sketch writer/performer, radio producer and all round scrivener. If you've any little job, project or gig that may utilise his talents ping an email to edenluke@chattychimp.co

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