Pontius Pilate walkingMonkey News

Sun editor sacked after discovery of shameful link to Pontius Pilate

The Sun have sensationally sacked their editor, Ian Napton after it emerged that he’s a descendant of the infamous hand-washer, Pontius Pilot. The paper’s owners said, “He failed to disclose his shameful ancestry when he was asked about his family history at the interview.

A Sun spokesman said, “As our fearless expose of the Stokes family shows, we have a long and proud history of holding people to account for things that happened long before they were born. It would be hypocritical of us to not hold some of our staff to the same standards.”

Whilst some critics said The Sun are a bunch of shits for trying to invent and sensationalise personal tragedy for clicks and sales, Ian himself was more philosophical. “It’s a fair cop, I wouldn’t have hired me either. We didn’t know Pontius was an ancestor until we agreed to take part in Channel 5’s,  ‘Who the f*ck do you think you are? Apparently, he killed some gipsy hippy 2 millennia ago and it created a bit of a palaver.”

“It’s a blessing really, I always knew I didn’t fit in, now I know why. My wife has taken the children to her sisters, she wants a divorce and is planning on changing all their names. I’m going to move to a bedsit in Rochdale, close the curtains and wait to die.”

Meanwhile, ancestral checks on other staff members have shown such antecedents as Vlad the Impaler, Caligula and Goebbels. However, as these characters also show socially desirable News Corp traits they have all been fast-tracked to Board level.