Amazingly, Bristol has beaten off stiff competition from Paris, Amsterdam, Frankfurt and Rome to be crowned: The Cocaine Capital of Europe.

Competition judges toured Europe, before declaring Bristol City the winner.  The Italian Judge, Gianni Napatone, explained, “We ranked each city on: supply, purity, price and the likelihood of getting busted. Bristol came out top in all categories.

Council spokesman, Jack Clarke, said, “We’re delighted to be recognised, we never win anything. It’s always fashionable cities like; London, Edinburgh and Birmingham, that top these tables.”

“This is a major step up as we only came fifth in this competition, two years ago. It’s fair to say Bristol couldn’t have won, without the hard work put in by the city’s, dealers, pushers and users.  Above all, this award is for them.”

He added, “This accolade justifies our decision to cut drug treatment programmes and police funding.”

Following this announcement, it’s expected there will be a significant cash boost to Bristol’s economy.  Many businesses, traditionally associated with heavy cocaine use, such as; finance, advertising, media, politics and the law, are now considering relocating to the South West.

“The easy availability of cheap, high-grade, cocaine and the better quality of life here, should make it easy to persuade whizz kids to steam on down to Bristol.” said Jack.

Russell Brand is not thought to be moving to the area.