Boris Johnson has sent his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire deal with their damp problem. Accused by his political opponents of doing more to help flood victims in Bangladesh than helping the people of South Yorkshire, immediate action was required.

Following today’s Cobra meeting the cabinet debated which Government Emergency Response would play best with Tory Voters. As Jacob Rees-Mogg said “Well as far as I can see it was entirely their own fault for living in Northern Labour constituencies. Some people are too stupid for their own good, if they had used their common-sense they would have left in their boats. If they can’t even help themselves, what’s the point of us trying to help? There’s no upside to throwing way money.”

The Party Chairman, Mr NotSo Cleverly pointed out that if they did nothing there was a chance ‘those people’ wouldn’t be able to live in the North any longer and would have to move south. This caused much alarm amongst the Cabinet until Gove pointed out that it would increase demand for property, forcing house prices to rise.

As if he were Alexander The Great when faced with the Gordian Knot, Boris came up with his great idea. “I know” he said, “I’ll send them my bath-sponge. Nanny bought me an extra big one for Xmas, it soaks up loads and loads. I bet it would get rid of all those floodwaters in no-time and then I’ll be a hero.”

Whilst the thousands of people who were affected by flood water were left trying to get hold of Polish plumbers and builders, only to find they’d all gone home.  

Meanwhile Brexit continues.