Tue. Jan 25th, 2022

With the country starting to run out of toilet paper, Swedish wunderkind Greta Thunberg is urging people to recycle used paper.

Your arsewiping is destroying my future!

“You are destroying the planet with your arsewiping” she claimed.

“We can halve toilet paper usage if we realise that the paper has two sides. Instead of using extra sheets, simply turn it over and use the other side. Think of all the paper we would save.”

Green Campaigners are urging people to reconsider their toiletry habits. Instead of flushing loo roll down the bog, why not lay used sheets on any flat area, such as the kitchen table. The paper will quickly dry and harden for reuse. It can then be stacked in the bathroom, ready for friends, family and guests to use. 

Meanwhile, Breakfast TV has asked viewers to send in alternative suggestions to alleviate the crisis.

Morgan, Clarkson and Cameron biographies have proved popular alternatives, although their price in local charity shops has risen, in response to the increased demand. Others have suggested using a variety of garden leaves, grass and sticks.


However, Daily Mail readers vetoed a nationwide programme of bidet installation as being ‘too French’.

Somewhat surprisingly sales of The Sun, The Daily Mail and The Express have increased. It appears that these papers are proving to be popular in the current shortage. Meanwhile, The Guardian has reminded its readers to never, under any circumstances to buy The Daily Mail, whilst lamenting that even in the current shortage, they still can’t sell any copies.


By Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!