Alan Whickham-Smythe, former piece of Sky News furniture and chair of the “Oh Sit Down, Oh Sit Down, Sit Down Next To Me” Party, has been unseated following a disastrous night out in Glasgow.
Following his party conference where he incited a nation-wide “Chairmageddon”, Mr. Smythe was seen partying at several promiscuous Glasgow nightclubs, including Table Legs, a notorious venue for tacky furniture, before being abandoned in an alleyway behind The Blue Lagoon fish and chip shop (pictured above).
Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s First Minister and campaigner against Mr. Whickham-Smythe’s chairless behaviour had this to say after being seen leaving the scene of the crime:
“What’s happened to Mr. Whickham-Smythe is entirely his own fault and nothing to do with myself, the SNP or The Blue Lagoon chip shop. Although, personally, I think you should keep an eye on the Green Party. They’re always up to something.”
Similarly, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson – Mr. Whickham-Smythe’s less popular and less successful political rival – stated:
“The UK Government definitely had nothing to do with Mr. Whickham-Smythe ending up in that alleyway, nor do we know anything about how he was unscrewed, disassembled, de-wheeled and covered in tomatoes.”
Already, an enquiry into the events of the night is taking place, with Helena McGowan-Walk-in-Closet, part-time enclosed storage, “Oh Sit Down, Oh Sit Down, Sit Down Next To Me” Party sympathiser and prominent cabinet minister set to review, unfold and then re-fold the evidence regarding what happened in Glasgow.
“This is a sad day for furniture,” Mr. Johnson announced, “but perhaps it shows that furniture should stick at what it’s good at – being comfortable, nice to look at, and dangerous only in the middle of the night when you can’t find the light switch.”
Mr. Whickham-Smythe himself has been unable to comment, being a chair, but also due to being in critical condition and unlikely to pull through, mostly because his instructions are entirely in Swedish and no one can find an Allen Key.
So once again we build up our heroes only to see the media delight in bringing them down. A sad lonely end for this modern day Robin Hood, once again betrayed by Allan A’ Key. However there is one last chance to celebrate his memory. Buy a Tee Shirt, and staff at Chatty Towers will nip down the pub for a dram or two in his honour. £14.99 Inc P&P, can’t say fairer than that. Just click on the image.