Well, what ho! Hey! What what! no one expected that.

Absolutely brilliant, what a night. Best night of action I’ve had since I stayed at Jennifer’s. Brilliant. Yes, ho-hum, well, we nearly won, we almost made it. Now some words. Yes.

It turns out all those people we spoke to on the doorstep were lying to us, they didn’t want to get Brexit done.

Honestly, we didn’t think you cared about public services. You didn’t mind when we were turning disabled council tenants out of their houses, slashing fire services, closing hospitals and the such like. Suddenly you’re ‘caring’! Well, stuff you!

As a party, over the last four years, we’ve had three different leaders, turned a majority government into a minority one, become a laughing stock and paralysed the economic growth of the country and for what?

So, what do we do now?

Theoretically, I’ve got enough MP’s to form a government, but half of them won’t support me on anything because they think I’m a lying, cheating narcissist. The other half support me because I’m a lying, cheating, narcissist.

At least that frightful oik, Corbyn didn’t get in, that’s something. But now I’ve got to go and talk to the Scottish Bint, the Irish harridan and the Head Girl. Trouble is I don’t fancy getting into bed with any of them but duty calls.

Dominic says it doesn’t matter if we don’t have enough MPs, as long as we continue to peddle our message consistently. We have a Tory Government, oven-ready, ready to go, Ding! We’re going to Get Brexit Done. We’re going to re-employ a certain number of policemen, we’re going to build an unspecified number of hospitals and we’re going to avoid dither and delay. 

Anyway, I must dash. I have to go to an interview with Sophy Ridge from Sky News now. Have you seen her legs? Marvellous. Must make a note to have her seated on my right at dinner some time.

Tally ho!

Meanwhile Brexit continues